However, I somehow managed to get happy again. I think basically it’s due to this stuff I take, this legal and quite safe anti-depressants-stuff called St. John’s Worth.

As a person who highly believes in science, I (among many psychologists who don’t) believe in the fact that you can somehow ascribe everything to a person’s body, which is in this context brain and CNS. Depressions are caused by neurotransmitters (such as serotinin) that aren’t working, maybe because there are not enough or something blocks them, sometimes because there are too many. Many mental illnesses are probably only disfunctions of our body, which means that you can either cure them by changing your lifestyle, your surrounding or taking meds. That’s why antidepressants work.

I did a mix of all that. I took St John’s Worth and started to get enough sport and exercise. I had 3 personal trainer lessons in a gym nearby and can now train on my own. I went on runs with a good friend (although I might cancel that because I have problems with my kneecap). I change. I’m just glad that I am not as sad as I was weeks ago. I couldn’t bear that any longer, really. I wouldn’t wish that on a snake. Well, it’s over, I feel better, I hope this goes on and I can do more sport and get healthier and stronger.

Maybe I need to get stronger physically to get stronger mentally as well. I have no idea. It works, that is. And I’d recommend it to anyone who struggles with anything.

xoxo ♥

I’m sooo exhausted now, had a great workout :D Basically every part of my body feels weird now.

I was jogging 3 times this week.

I went to the gym one time.

My muscles hurt but it feels great, I’m happier and it helps me in so many ways ♥

Aren’t we all sick?

And isn’t this, why the world’s so fucked?

who simply dumped me.

You’re such a pathetic and disgusting and stupid creature.

I HATE YOU. I spend many many many years to get close to you. It was hard and a long process and I was SO GLAD THAT WE WERE FRIENDS:

I WAS SO GLAD WHEN YOU TOLD ME I’M YOUR BEST FRIEND.

And what happened!? You treated me like everyone else. You pushed me away.

I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING TO YOU!!!!!! NOTHING AT ALL!!!!! I WANTED TO MEET YOU, THAT’S IT.

You’re a neurotic. You’re a f*cking weirdo. You made me fall in a hole so awfully deep, you betrayed me, you lied to me, you dumped me, you PUSHED ME into it!

It takes so much effort to get out and all because of your stupid ego, your attitude of rejecting everyone that doesn’t do what you please.

I did everything, convinced myself, did even call you, begged you, was nice, was calm, was appreciative.

And you broke your promise once more. How can you throw away all this years, all these memories so easily? What am I? What have I been to you?

You worship yourself more than everyone else. As long as I was good for you, I was worth the effort. And now that I am not doing what pleases you, I’ve gotten worthless.

YOU MAKE ME GO THROUGH ALL THIS AGAIN AND AGAIN AND FUCK YOU.

I need to find myself, that’s hard. I’m alone and, worse, lonely.

When you’re in trouble, there are two kinds of people.

Those, who play this “I’m totally there for you”-role. They cling onto you because in this situation you might be interesting and they’re probably the helper-type. When you get better, they’ll most likely think of you as boring and drop you.

And, secondly, those who don’t know how to bear it and who avoid you.

This is one of the things that make me sick. I could make SUCH a long list.

But instead I’ll stop now. This should’ve been a “I need a new beginning” post and I just continue complaining. Well. There’s nothing lovely about me and proof is, that noone cares.

I don’t want to go out anymore.

I want to stay inside forever.

Live alone with me and my imaginary friends in our perfect little world.

Why do I have to cope with all those difficult people?

Why does everyone expect something of me?

It is so hard to be the person everyone wants me to be.

Fuck you, seriously.

That’s a quote of a famous German book by Goethe, called “Faust”. I’d copied this translation: Two souls alas! are dwelling in my breast.

I have no idea what’s going on. I feel quite okay and so much better than just few days ago. It was basically the worst time of the year, and those days left deep scars.

I’ve been abandoned by my “best” (is she really?) female friend three times, I called my “best” male friend who has ignored me since this year started and finally got to know that he’s not worth it, I had severe depressions and just by remembering all this shit my eyes fill with tears.

I lie to people because I don’t want to go out because I think I’m not worth it. I think other people will stare at me. I’m a really ugly person.

Oh how I wish I could arise from all of this, get stronger, better, happier. Finally see the good things again. I do the opposite. I’m sadder than I ever was.

Even when I do those “drugs” that make me happier I still know that this is only an effect and not a real feeling. I still sense that there is something deep inside me that’s unhappy and that will burst out whenever it can. And it does.

I’m jealous of people and I hate everyone who seems to be happier than me (which basically is everyone).

I hate my situation. I want to travel but there’s noone to accompany me. I’m so lonely. I hate my shallow friends. I hate everything and everyone. And noone’s gonna save me.

Since I started taking this stuff (St. John’s wort or Hypericum) I feel so much better, although they say it usually works after a few days to weeks. Placebo probably.

Sooo…. my friends really disappointed me today. I always wanted to go on holiday with them and I asked all of them several times but noone has time and money. I was like “well, okay” and didn’t mind it.

Today one best friend (the “I have no money friend) told me she was going with my other best friend (“I have no time”), who asked her. Really, what the hell. I asked so many times, even suggested to go together with both of them and they said they can’t.

This makes me so angry. Why do they always exclude me….

The one I met today and who told me this seemed to be sorry, but if she really was she could just suggest to ask me as well.

Sometimes I really hate them. However, they are kind of the only really close friends I have… They just disappointed me so much. Well that really helps to regain confidence in myself -.-